Coping.

My husband is a first-year regional pilot for a small commercial airline that is a subsidiary of one of the larger nationals. That sentence can tell you a couple very key things about my life (and our lives) right now, if you are aware of them. Number one: add in the fact that I'm an adjunct instructor at a local technical college and you could know right away that we are flat broke. But actually, what we've found is that instead of hearing first-year regional pilot and adjunct instructor at local tech college, people just hear PILOT and PROFESSOR. And then they assume we have money. Oooooh how wrong they are! Most people have no idea that first year regional pilots for small airlines actually get paid dirt. Literally. They pack an envelope full of dirt and mail it to us.
Ok, ok, maybe not, but they may as well. Generally, the average starting pay right now for a new regional commercial pilot is around $18-$23K per year. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, it's startlingly low. Not to mention completely RIDICULOUS considering the amount of training and work and determination it takes to become a pilot these days... but that's a separate conversation.
So also, I am not a professor. I wish I was but that would require more schooling and more degrees - which would entail more student loans - and that's something I'm just not willing to do right now. So I am just a lowly little adjunct instructor. There's a huge difference. And I work at a local, technical college, not a prestigious University. Basically, I also get paid dirt - with no benefits, no paid time off, not even an office or desk or cubicle to call my own. So put dirt and dirt together and what do you have? Yeah, still just a whole bunch of dirt.

Anyway, the part of being a pilot's wife that I really wanted to talk about is the second key part. It's l o n e l y . Obviously, a pilot does not spend most of his time at home. Generally speaking, he's gone 4-6 days at a time, home 1-3 days at time. But one factor that is lessening our time together right now is that fact that he's technically based out of Columbus, Ohio, and we live in Atlanta, GA. Luckily, we are about 20 minutes from the Atl airport so he is able to commute. But commuting, of course, takes more time away from home and adds another level of stress that we really don't need right now. We may move to Columbus when our lease at our current apartment is up but until that time, it's not an option (not to mention the part about leaving my job).
Flights from Atlanta to Columbus, OH don't run all night. So when his "reserve" shifts begin (meaning he's on-call) at 3 a.m., which they often do, he has to fly out the night before. When he only has 1 day off, that means he arrives home around 7:30 a.m. and then has to leave again that same night around 7:30 p.m.. All of this is to say that we don't get very much time together right now. Yes, I did know I was dating and marrying a pilot. That's every one's first response when I mention how hard it is to be apart so much. But knowing something in advance doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with when it becomes reality. We all know we're going to die, does that make it any easier when it's actually time to deal with it??
So I spend a lot of time alone at our apartment. Sometimes it's great and I enjoy it. I can do what I want, when I want, and I don't have to answer to anyone (except Milo and Belly of course). I can watch all the Golden Girls I want without any complaints damn it! WOO HOO to that! But then after awhile, it gets old. Really, really old. Especially right now, when things are so hard and we are both just trying to cope with our daily lives. We need one another more than ever but we are usually hundreds of miles apart. When my back is throbbing, he's not there to rub it and make it feel better. When I'm thinking about all the bills and wondering how we are going to pay them, he's not there to remind me we will find a way.
Most importantly, we are trying to heal from the miscarriage... and doing that without your other half around to talk about it is just infinitely more difficult. When I'm feeling at my lowest, and my heart is breaking for the millionth time over what could have (and should have) been, he's often not here to hug me tightly and remind me that it will be ok. When the pain of the loss hits me for the millionth time, and knocks me down to my knees and the tears fall so hard that I can barely breathe, he's usually not here to hand me tissues and remind me I'm not alone in this. And, of course, it's the other way around as well. When he's alone in his hotel room after a long day of work, and things catch up to him and he has to face his pain, I'm not there to remind him how much I love him.
Oh, and yes we have phones and Skype and all of that. Sorry, but when you are talking about a situation like this that involves a miscarriage and a bankruptcy and all of that goodness, phone conversations do not even begin to cut it. They do not meet that driving need you have for emotional closeness and comfort and love. So please don't even bother bringing them up.
And so both of us, on top of everything else, have to deal with the extra guilt and pain of not being able to physically be there when we know our partner needs us most.

...Oh and I haven't even mentioned the fact that when he actually is home, we constantly feel like we are on the clock and our time is running out. There's always an awareness of what day it is and what time it is and that he's going to have to leave again soon. And that adds another layer of stress - we only have a short amount of time together so we better make it worth it (whatever that means)! We better get along perfectly and use our time wisely and do all of this and get all of that done... all in 36 hours! It's like constantly living in video game where you only have a certain amount of time to get it done and otherwise, *dun dun dun*, TIME'S UP!

So I'm trying to learn how to cope - and we are trying to learn how as a couple, too. It's not easy. But flying is his first love and that's never going to change so we have to find ways to work around all of the time apart that it requires (though his hours and schedule will get better as his seniority slowly increases over time). But when I'm going on my 5th day alone in the apartment, and I'm crawling into our king size bed alone again, and all I want is a hug from my husband, sometimes it can feel like coping isn't going to be possible. And that's when I try to remind myself to focus on how wonderful he is, how he's everything I always hoped I'd find in a husband, and how great it feels when he is there to cuddle up with... And then I remember that it's worth it and that I shouldn't give up trying to find a way. Ever. So as long as he's willing to keep trying and I'm lucky enough to be the woman he wants to keep trying with, I'm going to have to hang on and know that eventually, it will (somehow) get easier. One way or another. Because we love each other and we want to be together and we are strong and intelligent and committed. And that is what really matters, no matter what else is going on. I love you Peter. Thank you for reminding me what it means to keep trying and for reminding me constantly that I'm worth it, and that you and our future together are more than worth it.