Instead, I wanted to respond to a comment I got on my last post, but not in the comments section. I actually hadn't published the post because I didn't want it to sit unanswered, and I haven't been able to sit and write anything until now (see previous paragraph for why). Last time I wrote about my oldest son, and the issues we have had with him. I got this as a response to my post:
Sounds like a serious issue, Olivia, not a blog discussion. Your son has an outstanding personality but it's developing in a wrong direction. I think you should consult with a professional and find the right approach to tweak his mind. I am not saying that he needs assistance, I am saying that his character can either become advantage or disadvantage in his life, he can become a great leader or he can get hurt, a great anger can grow in him before he understands the purpose. And nervous system is the only system in human body that doesn't cure or heal
The first time I read it, my reaction was defensive. I felt accused of not taking care of my child, or of not taking it seriously. I felt...blamed. But after I actually thought about it, I realized none of that came from the comment itself. There's nothing in the comment that is critical, or anything but caring and helpful. My own fear that I'm not doing every last thing I could be doing bounced right off of the comment and came back at me. So Alek - in case you were wondering why I didn't post your comment, that is why. At first because i didn't like it, and then because I realized I had more to say about it than I wanted to say in comments.
We have, in fact, talked to his pediatrician about this and have gone with him to therapy for a period of a few months, and are considering going back. It did help a lot - we stopped a while before school started because things were going very well. Since school has started it's been a bit rougher, and in fact my son asked me the other day when he could go see the Doctor again. But there was no indication of this in my previous post, so it's certainly fair to assume that I haven't, that I'm looking for answers through the blog and nowhere else. I also took the extra steps required to get him into a charter school that has a more rigid structure, something he responds very well to, so that he would have an easier and more productive time at school. (And he LOVES it!) But I didn't say that either. From a very young age, we've talked very openly with him about his emotions, and his anger, and about control. When he isn't worked up, he can talk very clearly about how angry he gets, how he has trouble controlling his impulses, etc. And he has a very clear sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair. But then...something else takes over. And then the talking doesn't work anymore.
The question isn't whether he needs assistance. His intelligence and his passion and his creativity (not to mention that incredible energy) could bring him very far in life, but his anger, his anxiety and his impulsiveness could block that path. So the question I keep trying to answer is this. How do I help him keep the passion and the energy and the creativity but learn to control the rest? How do I get this beautiful wild horse to calm down enough to be a part of the herd, without breaking his will? How much CAN I do?
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Before I finish, I just have this nagging feeling I've given the impression that my son is in a constant state of rampage. He's really not. He's not a problem kid at school or at his after school program, and when he's not torturing his little brother he's fiercely protective of him. He's so proud to show us the words he is learning to read and write, and to tell us about the kids he is getting to know. And he's getting so much more confident interacting with the world around him without me standing right by his side. And he announces, on a regular basis, just how much he loves me and his daddy and his brother and sister and his dog. And every night when he and his brother lie down in their bunk beds he insists that I sing them a song. And when things are calm for a few days sometimes I even think I'm just blowing things up, that it's just normal kid stuff. But he never lets me think that for too long....
Actually, from a physiological perspective, the person's view on the nervous system is wrong. Neurons do in fact heal, they just do so very slowly, and - in the case of a complete nerve severance - can reconnect randomly linking the wrong neurons to each other.
ReplyDeleteTrue, but we're not all paramedics. :)
ReplyDeleteWith all new facts I can clearly see the picture.
ReplyDeleteIt is coming - don't let your defense system trigger again - from you. Doctor can't help him, he likes to see the doctor Not because you may think he's helping your son. Only you can help him.
You may be angry with me and who am I to make these conclusions. But I promise you, sooner or later you will decide that this comment made a change.
Remember, kids see a lot, but they don't understand what they see, and will do what they see anyway, because they trust us - parents. Our job is - to explain Why, When and When Not. I don't expect you to publish it. Sincerely, Alek.
Nah, I'm not angry. I can't go around posting stuff on a blog then get angry when someone has a response. :)
ReplyDeleteI disagree with you though - as much as he needs support and help from his parents I think the help of a therapist has been key in the progress we've made so far and I believe will be key in any progress we are going to make in the future. It is much easier for him (and for many other people) to accept help and advice from a therapist or a medical doctor than from his own parents.
This is one of the issues that I have been dealing with - anyone who has not had to deal with a child like this is inclined to say "Oh, all kids have mood swings, all kids are defiant, all kids...etc" Much as many people are inclined to say to someone suffering depression that "we all feel bad sometimes, you just need to cheer up."
Yes, he needs to learn control, both physical and emotional. But that's no easy task, and he (and we, his parents) can greatly benefit from the advice and help of professionals. After all, I may know MY child better than they do, but they know a lot MORE children.
Ok, I'll try to lay it down. I've spent o lot of time thinking about that, it's just stuck in my head. It may seem a bit too deep but give it a thought.
ReplyDeleteThe reflection in the mirror and in the glance of water is always reversed. You are asking wrong questions. You need to behold the root.
The question is not why he gets angry and out of control but what causes it. You can't teach him to control his behavior unless you know the reason for such a behavior. 'He wants others to do things his way' is not the answer. Why he wants others to do things his way? Why he gets angry otherwise? You will not get any answers from him, period. He is just a child and he can't explain his actions himself. What he tells you is not what it is. Meaning, what he thinks is not what it really is. Many grown ups say they do that and that because of that and that, but it appears to be a delusion when they go and see a psycologist.
Now about you, Olivia, the root..
You are very smart woman, you're independent mind person, you're a person of you own strong opinion, you're well spoken, respected, people like to listen to you and spend time in your company.
You are two persons for your son:
First, you're his loving mother, he loves you, listens to you, opens to you.
Second: you're the person, the woman, he secretly adores for the qualities I listed above. He might not understand it or if he does, he would never share it with you.
So, the reason he behaves how he behaves is because he wants/tries to be like you. And the reason he gets angry, because he is not successful at it. Another fact to keep in mind is that - he is intelligent as you said, so it is not just unreasonable desire to take control over other kids, he probable comes up with a good idea and wants to share it, try it for the good of everybody and gets frustrated when everyone ignores him. He is confused, very confused. He likes to see the doctor hoping he could find some answers for questions he doesn't know.
What I suggest you to try is - stop asking him why he acts like that, cause he doesn't know. Instead, when you see him act unappropriate, ask him: "Honey, have you seen Mommy ever behave like that?" Keep on asking this question. He wouldn't want to do things you wouldn't do. Don't expect immediate results.
Other thing you can do is have somebody else spend some time with him periodically. Somebody he respects, likes to spend time with, a grown up. He will love a company of grown up over his friends. Somebody wise, soft talking person to make him feel grown up and teach some wisdom. He will be able to concentrate on what's in his head and sort things out and probably try to share it with this person.
Let him watch some grown up movies, about life and people relationships.
Otherwords, create for him an atmosphere so he can find all the answers himself.
And don't worry, he is fine, he'll be fine. Just be with him.