The Specialist

So yesterday was a day I had been looking forward to for awhile. I had an appointment with a new specialist to get a new opinion about my situation with my back and where I should go from here. I already know there aren't any real solutions, per se, I'm stuck with this back and it isn't going to get any better. But I'm always hoping for at least a temporary reprieve from the pain. I was very nervous to go. I've seen enough specialists in my life to know that they tend to be a very strange bunch and you never know what's going to walk into the exam room. Luckily Peter seemed happy to come along and that helped keep me calmer.

He was a very nice doctor. I've definitely never had any doctor sit with me for as long as this guy did, it had to have been at least 30 minutes. He went into lots of detail about everything and you could tell he was trying to make sure to explain it all in simple terms so we simple-folk could follow along. Although I already knew most of what he was saying, I knew Peter didn't, so it was good. And I try hard to not mind when doctor's talk to me like I'm a moron because I know they usually have good intentions. So his choice for the best path right now is to do a series of epidurals in my lower back (info about them here: http://www.reddinganesthesia.com/ESB.htm). Although in my situation an epidural is considered one of the "less invasive" options (because the other options involve surgery), this means he wants to stick a needle into the spaces between my vertebrae and inject high doses of steroids. Three times. Obviously, there are risks, though when you look at the info on the internet about epi's, most places refer to the risks as minimal.
Now, medically speaking at least, I'm a fairly tough chick. I've had a number of surgeries. I've had tons of tests and procedures, taken tons of weird medications. I've been scared to death many times but gone ahead anyway, knowing it was what's best. But these epidurals really freak me out. Something about it just ties my stomach in a knot, no matter how much I read up. It just doesn't sit well with me right now. So I'm hesitant, to put it mildly...
Oh, and by the way, shockingly the epidurals aren't done for free. Yes, insurance would cover up to 80%... but we don't have any volunteers to cover the other 20% so I'm guessing that would fall to us. Doctor's always sound so excited when you bring up the cost and they remind you - "But your insurance will cover 80%!" WOOHOO! Ok...yes they will, but uh... what about the other 20%? Cause uhh....right now we don't have enough to cover our current monthly bills. Sure, we can break down the 20% and pay it in installments...but uhm... we literally don't have $5 to send you. We, literally, do not have a single extra dollar to send. And as nice as doctors are when they are talking to you in the exam room, they tend to get really bitchy when you don't send them their money (and I'm speaking from experience). Then the caring, sympathetic doctor suddenly takes a vacation. Trust me.

So I started crying. Of course. These days, I cry at least two or three times a day, every day. No joke. Guessing it's partly hormonal but it's definitely also stress-induced. I was feeling overwhelmed, disappointed, sad, hopeless, frustrated and angry. So on came the deluge. And let me tell you, if you ever feel like you're done with listening to your doctor and you really want him to leave, turn on the tears. Most of them take off like someone just called in a bomb threat. But before he left, he made his one, big mistake. He saw me crying and I guess he decided that was the right time to remind me that, actually, my "glass should be half full"! My life could be so much worse! His daughter had a brain tumor when she was 6 years old! I am a very fortunate girl!
And that's where he lost me. In my book, nothing is more condescending - or infuriating - than someone telling someone who is upset that they shouldn't be. Am I a lucky girl? Absolutely. Could my life be much worse? HOLY YES. I am 100% aware of these things at all times. But do they mean that I don't have the right to get stressed or disappointed or sad or angry about the problems I am facing? Hell no. That is bullshit, plain and simple. Everyone has a right to feel whatever it is they feel when they're going through hard times. And lately, times have been a real bitch. So when I'm sitting in your office, trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm 32 years old and I really am facing a life of unsolvable chronic pain, that I'm going to be forced to have more painful, scary procedures that I want no part of and can't afford, and I start to cry... you need to let me. You need to hand over the tissues, say anything along the lines of, "I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this" and leave it at that. Because everyone will face situations in life that makes them cry (or at least want to cry) and when they do, they deserve to be able to get it out. No matter what that situation may be, even if it seems utterly trivial compared to the millions of other atrocities people face every day. Everyone deserves to be to able to scream and yell, throw things, and sob until they can't breathe when that's how they feel. And if they're lucky, have someone there handing over the tissues while they do. Every single one of us deserves to be allowed to feel whatever it is we're feeling, regardless of whether or not the situation measures up as sucky enough on the grand Life Suckiness Scale. Life is not a competition over who's is harder and you don't have to earn the right to cry. Ever. There's a huge difference between being upset and reacting and allowing yourself to feel your emotions than having a pity-party, and there's nothing wrong until that party starts.

So I'm going to think about it all. And probably go see another specialist to get another opinion on my options. And for today, I'm going to do a lot of nothing... tho I'm willing to bet that, at some point, there will probably be more tears involved. And that's ok too.