I like to write. A lot.

I am really happy about this blog. I'll gladly admit it was Liv's idea but I'm so excited about it! I'm someone who loves to write but I've never bothered with a blog because I didn't feel like I had much to say - until recently. Lately there's been a LOT going on and I have a LOT to say about it all. So here's as good a forum as I could ask for I think :)


Liv is amazing. I am so incredibly lucky to have her as one of my (very) few life-long best friends. We are so different and we always have been and I think it works for us. We've been through a lot together over the years. I have so many fun and funny memories. And some not-so-fun at the time but pretty funny now memories - we were a couple of very dramatic girls as teenagers. I dyed my hair every color of the rainbow and wore a dog collar, Liv became obsessed with boys. When we were little, she gave me the chicken pox. She sat on me on the school bus when I wouldn't scoot in to let her sit with me. But she's also the only friend who came to visit me right after my back surgery, when I was 13 and couldn't do anything besides lay on the couch. She'd walk me halfway home at night (her house was just around the corner from mine) when I was too scared of the dark to walk it alone. And she introduced me to my very first boyfriend who became my first love.
We definitely did have a period in our early adulthoods where we lost touch. I live in Atlanta, she was in college in New Jersey. But thanks partly to the internet - and more specifically, Facebook - and partly to cell phones and text messaging, we have reconnected since our mid-twenties. I remember the email conversation we had where she told me about the cute red-haired guy in her Karate class that she wanted to ask out on a date. And I remember how excited she was once she got up the nerve! I've been a very reluctant flier for years now but Liv has flown down to visit a number of times in the last decade. Poor Liv had to find her way home in a city she knew nothing about because I was 21 and passed out drunk in the passenger seat. She attended my first wedding and surprised everyone by singing a beautiful song (it was definitely a highlight!).... I could go on and on through all the stories and memories, we've done so much together! But over the last few years especially, Liv has really been my shoulder to lean on through some really difficult times. She has a husband and 3 very young children and a business she's just starting on her own yet she somehow still always finds a way to be there when I need her. She's always willing to listen (or read) my latest wail about whatever is happening and most of the time she has really great advice too. And when she doesn't, she's still always just the right amount of support and sympathy (or even a 'get over yourself' when needed :)).
Unfortunately, it seems to me that over the last few years I've had to turn to her through more bad times than good. There have just been so many (damn) bumps in the road (more like craters) and twists and turns. It's been pretty exhausting. And just when life had settled down a bit about 6 months ago, it's gone all haywire again lately. After a very painful divorce, I met a wonderful man named Peter and we fell in love and got married about a month ago (that's he and I celebrating on the night of our wedding, above)... but the relationship has also had a few ups and downs that have caused me to need an ear and some advice. Let's see... over the last 6 weeks we were forced into a corner by a creditor and have been forced to begin the process of declaring bankruptcy. Back in mid-August, we were overjoyed to find ourselves pregnant much sooner than we expected. But then my hormone levels didn't progress as they were supposed to and I had to take supplements and get my blood checked and re-checked every single week. Around the 9 week mark, we were told everything looked good, hormones were up where they belonged finally. Then after a weekend of some spotting during the 10th week, we went in for an ultrasound and were told the baby had actually stopped developing around the 6 week mark and was no longer "viable". So 2 weeks ago I had to have a D&C and took a couple of weeks off of work to heal. But the "healing" has been slow-going, to say the least, and I'm definitely not feeling like my old self. We had told a lot of people we were pregnant - because we were so incredibly happy and excited - and we've gotten a lot of support as we've told people that we lost the baby. I feel like I should be over it by now, whatever that means, but I'm not. I ache every time I think about it, every time I see a pregnant woman or a tiny little baby, every time someone asks me how I'm doing. My crying has tapered off a bit (thankfully) but it still hits me hard at times and I'm left bawling like a 3 year old. I know, I know... it's "normal". Lots of women have miscarriages! The most important thing is that I got pregnant, we can try again soon! We have no reason to think we'll have any more problems trying to have a baby!
But my heart still aches and my eyes still tear up and I know I still have a long way to go.


So there you have it. It seems to me like just when things are going really well and everyone's happy, something comes along to punch you in the throat. And then kick you in the nuts. I know that's not a great way to look at things but it's me being honest about how I feel right now. I have so much more to write about but I'll stop for the time being. I felt like I needed to start with a kind-of "introduction" post and I think this is good enough for that...